Getting engaged is one of the most exciting and emotionally charged milestones in any romantic relationship. It marks a powerful shift—from dating to a committed future. In those early days of the engagement, it’s easy to get swept up in the celebration: the ring, the photos, the congratulations from friends and family, the Pinterest boards, and dreams of the big day. And all of that matters—it’s a beautiful season, full of anticipation and love.
But beneath the surface sparkle, engagement is more than just planning a wedding—it’s the foundation of a lifelong partnership. It symbolizes more than love. It represents a deep commitment to grow, sacrifice, compromise, and show up for each other—every single day, even when it’s not easy.
Unfortunately, not all engagements end in “happily ever after.”
Some couples realize, often too late, that they were more in love with the idea of being married than the reality of the relationship itself. Others ignore the subtle signs that something doesn’t feel quite right, convincing themselves that everything will magically improve after the wedding. But marriage doesn’t fix what’s broken—it magnifies it.
And that’s where heartbreak can begin.
As a relationship counselor and marriage advisor, I’ve worked with many couples who came into therapy already engaged, rings on fingers, wedding dates set, guest lists growing—yet a quiet uncertainty lingered beneath the surface. Questions they were too afraid to ask aloud. Doubts they thought they could ignore. And fears that maybe, just maybe, they weren’t ready.
The truth is, certain red flags often appear before the vows are ever exchanged. These signs don’t mean the relationship is doomed—but they do mean it needs serious attention.
Whether you’re currently engaged, thinking about it, or supporting someone who is, these warning signs are worth taking seriously.
Here are 17 red flags that may signal your engagement isn’t built to last.
1. You Don’t Communicate Well
Communication is the heartbeat of any lasting relationship. If you and your partner struggle to express thoughts, feelings, or needs without misunderstandings, it’s a major red flag.
Do your arguments spiral out of control? Do issues go unresolved? Poor communication creates emotional distance that only grows with time.
2. You Have Different Core Values
Love might bring you together—but shared values keep you together.
Whether it’s religion, political beliefs, family priorities, or lifestyle choices, clashing values often lead to conflict later. If you’re brushing aside major differences, hoping they’ll resolve after marriage, you’re setting the stage for disappointment.
3. There’s a Lack of Respect
You can’t build a future with someone you don’t respect—or who doesn’t respect you.
Constant criticism, dismissive attitudes, or boundary violations point to a lack of emotional safety. Without mutual respect, even love will eventually erode.
4. Conflict Goes Unresolved
Disagreements are normal. Avoiding them isn’t.
If your arguments never truly end, or if one person always “gives in” to keep the peace, resentment will grow. Unresolved conflict becomes emotional baggage you’ll carry into the marriage.
5. You Have Very Different Spending Habits
Money is one of the top causes of divorce. It’s not just about how much you earn—it’s about how you spend, save, and view financial responsibility.
If one of you is a spender and the other a saver, or if you avoid money conversations altogether, it’s a brewing storm.
6. Your Support Systems Don’t Support the Relationship
Your relationship doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Family and friends shape your emotional support network.
If your loved ones don’t support your engagement—or if your partner isolates you from your support system—that’s cause for concern. A healthy partnership invites connection, not control.
7. Physical Attraction Is Missing
Physical chemistry isn’t everything, but it matters.
If you don’t feel physically attracted to your partner or find yourself constantly fantasizing about someone else, it might be your intuition telling you something isn’t right.
Attraction fuels intimacy. Without it, you may grow apart emotionally and sexually.
8. You Have Mismatched Sex Drives
Sexual compatibility isn’t just about quantity—it’s about connection, comfort, and communication.
If one of you feels consistently rejected, pressured, or unfulfilled, resentment may build over time. Don’t ignore mismatched needs and assume marriage will magically fix it.
9. One or Both of You Refuses to Compromise
Marriage is a dance of give and take. If either of you always needs to be “right,” or if decisions constantly favor one person, the relationship becomes unbalanced.
When compromise feels impossible, it signals emotional immaturity—and future power struggles.
10. Your Parenting Beliefs Clash
You may not have kids now—but conversations about parenting matter.
If you fundamentally disagree on how to raise children, discipline them, or even whether to have them at all, those conflicts won’t disappear with time. They’ll only intensify if and when children enter the picture.
11. You’re Idealizing Marriage
Some people fall in love with the idea of being married—more than the person they’re marrying.
If you envision marriage as a fix-all for your problems, or as a fairy-tale ending, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Marriage is beautiful, but it’s also hard work.
12. You’re Rushing the Timeline
A whirlwind romance can feel magical, but it also raises questions.
Have you truly seen each other in all seasons of life—through stress, illness, family challenges, or financial hardship? If you haven’t faced real life together, how do you know you’re compatible long-term?
Time reveals what infatuation hides.
13. You’re Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons
If your engagement is fueled by pressure—from family, age, social expectations, or even fear of being alone—stop and reassess.
Marriage made out of obligation, fear, or desperation is a house built on sand. The foundation won’t hold when challenges arise.
14. There’s a Pattern of Failed Relationships
We all have a past—but patterns matter.
If either of you has a history of short-lived or toxic relationships and hasn’t taken time to heal, those issues may resurface in your engagement.
Unresolved trauma shows up in future partnerships until it’s dealt with.
15. There Are Substance Abuse Issues
Addiction and substance misuse destroy trust, emotional safety, and communication.
If either of you is battling substance abuse and hasn’t sought treatment, the relationship isn’t in a healthy place to support marriage. Recovery must come before lifelong commitment.
16. Mental Health Is Being Ignored
Mental health challenges don’t mean a relationship can’t succeed—but they do require awareness, support, and management.
If anxiety, depression, trauma, or other issues are being denied or left untreated, they can sabotage the emotional connection between you.
17. Something Just Feels Off
Sometimes, the biggest red flag is your gut feeling.
If you keep trying to convince yourself that everything is fine… it probably isn’t. When you feel anxious, unsettled, or like you’re ignoring your inner voice, it’s time to pause.
Your intuition may be picking up on something your heart hasn’t admitted yet.
Final Thoughts: Don’t Ignore the Signs
Engagements are meant to be joyful—but they’re also the time to think deeply about your future.
The goal isn’t to scare you. It’s to help you see clearly.
Every relationship has challenges. But when multiple red flags are present—and ignored—they can lead to regret, divorce, or years of emotional pain.
Being honest now is an act of love, not failure.
If you recognize yourself in several of these signs, don’t panic. Have the hard conversations. Seek counseling. Reevaluate—not from fear, but from courage.
Marriage is a sacred bond. It deserves the best of you—not the rushed, anxious, or confused version of you.
You deserve a partner who sees you, values you, and shares your vision for the future. Don’t settle for anything less.
What are your thoughts?
Have you noticed red flags in your own engagement—or overcome them successfully? Share your experience in the comments and help others navigating the same questions. And if this article resonated with you, consider sharing it with someone who might need it.
